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Polyamorous on Valentine’s Day? Therapist Tips for a Healthy & Happy Poly Valentine’s…

Polyamorous on Valentine’s Day? Therapist Tips for a Healthy & Happy Poly Valentine’s…

Jenna has two partners and three metamours. She wants to celebrate with everyone and leave no one feeling left out. But each year, it’s a challenge because Valentine’s Day is only one day. How in the world is she supposed to make time for everyone? Last year, one of her partners was hurt because they felt she signaled that he was less important. She wants to avoid this this year.

Valentine’s Day is a day often filled with excitement and expectation. It’s a day to celebrate love and romance, and many Americans hope to spend the day with a special someone, but how do you manage this when you are polyamorous and have multiple partners? How do you navigate showing each partner just how much they mean to you without neglecting anyone? How do you decide what to do with whom and when? It can be a stressful time for any polycule, but it doesn’t have to be.

Here are a few ways to leave the stress at the door as you think about celebrating this Valentine’s Day.

DETERMINE WHAT YOUR PARTNERS WANT TO DO

Don’t make assumptions, ask your partners how they want to celebrate with you this year. Figure out what will make all of your special someones happy as you celebrate your love together. Does that mean a weekend away together? How about a nice dinner at home? Maybe it’s a party with your whole polycule to celebrate together? Flowers and a card? Whatever you decide to do, make sure to ask your partners and don’t assume what they want.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Not everyone wants to celebrate Valentine’s Day with their romantic partners, but some people do. Make sure you connect with all of your partners in your polycule and ensure that you have a clear understanding of what Valentine’s Day means for each individual relationship. Is celebrating on February 14th of utmost importance, or is just being together to honor your commitment to one another no matter the date more important? Will you exchange gifts with one another? Unclear expectations can lead to hurt feelings, so make sure that you connect with your partners to have a clear understanding of what they envision.

COMMUNICATE

This is the cornerstone of every polyamorous relationship(s). Whether you’re a dyad, triad, quad or a wide-reaching poly family, communication is a key part of navigating partners, metamours, and everything in between. Things are no different when thinking about how to spend Valentine’s Day. Make sure you share your plans with your partners so everyone knows when they’ll be celebrating with you and when you’ll be with other partners. Don’t leave anyone in the dark, just like any other part of polyamory, be open and be honest.

DON’T SCHEDULE BASED ON HIERARCHY

Polyamory often comes with innate hierarchies among relationships often determined by sweat equity in a relationship. Simply put, it’s the idea that the relationship you’ve been in the longest is your most important and so forth. It comes with the idea that one has primary, secondary, tertiary, etc… partners. This is a valid style of poly for some, but when it comes to celebrating your love for your partners, don’t let your scheduling be dictated by hierarchies. Primary partners shouldn’t get to “call dibs” on a day before you’ve had a chance to talk to all of your partners. Make sure that your scheduling works for everyone to avoid hurt feelings and negative metamour relationships.

DON’T COMPARE AND/OR COMPETE

No two relationships have the same connection or love between partners, so why would you compare how you celebrate that love? It’s like comparing apples and oranges. Everyone has different needs and it’s important to avoid comparing or competing with your metamours. Just focus on the best way to give and receive love with your partners in whatever way will make you happy. 

Have a happy Valentine’s Day!

Alyson Mullie, LMSW

5 Ways to Cope with the Anniversary of the Death of a Loved One

5 Ways to Cope with the Anniversary of the Death of a Loved One

(Guest post by Avalon Healer, Alyson Mullie, LMSW) Death. It’s a difficult topic to talk about. But, we will all be impacted by death and dying at some point in our lives. Death is a natural part of life and thus, so is grief. Yet, we live in a culture with the expectation that we attend the funeral or memorial service for our loved one, and then return to work after our 3.5 bereavement days have expired. It can be hard to know how to cope with death experiences. We feel a need to rush a grief experience so that we can “process” it and “get back to normal.”  We may even believe we have gotten back to “normal,” but then the anniversary of our loved one’s death approaches, and we get smacked with all the feels once again. It can seem like an unending cycle.  Here are some ways to cope and manage the emotions that emerge as death anniversaries approach. Allow space to remember your loved one. Positive memories are the best way to keep the spirit of your loved one alive after they’ve passed. Even though they have died, they still occupy space in your life and memories. It’s important to recognize that and allow space to experience those memories. It can be as simple as looking at photos, listening to a favorite record, or visiting a favorite place of your loved one.  Ask for support. Processing grief can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to do it alone. Ask for support from friends and family members as you grieve. This can be especially important in the early years (1st, 2nd, maybe even 3rd death anniversaries). Grief emotions can be complex and sometimes, having an understanding friend or family member there with you can help create a safe space to experience our loss. Know that there are no “right feelings to have. It is common to have a variety of feelings from sadness to anger to relief. Do something in honor of your loved one. My grandmother died in 2017, 1 year later, I launched my first grief and loss support group in honor of her and my grief experience. Honoring our loved ones allows us, as survivors, to pay tribute to those that we’ve lost. As a therapist, I chose to use the skills I have to give back to others experiencing grief, but there are so many other ways you can honor a loved one. You can visit their grave or resting place and leave flowers, plant a tree in their memory, volunteer for an organization that was special to them, have a gathering of friends and family to reminisce, or light a candle in honor of your loved one. All these things are small ways to simply remind yourself and the world that your loved one existed and that they are remembered. Be kind to yourself. Experiencing grief brings dozens of different and often unexpected emotions. This can be magnified even more on a death anniversary. It’s important to remember, that this is a normal part of the grief process and that it is ok to be sad, angry, happy, or whatever it is you’re feeling. It is important to take the time to grieve by slowing down, doing less, and taking quiet space. You have not let anyone down, you are not crazy. You are just being human. The grief process can be difficult and long, but it is important to take care of yourself along the way. Talk to a therapist. Sometimes it can be difficult to find a friend or family member who understands. Maybe they are overwhelmed with their own grief, or process grief in a way that is incompatible with your way. Maybe they have not (yet) experienced this type of loss and find it difficult to provide the empathy and compassion you need (and deserve). This is when talking to a therapist can help. With a safe, judgement-free space, you really can say whatever you need to say in order to feel your feelings and continue on your healing journey. Alyson Mullie, LMSW   [mailerlite_form form_id=1]
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