There are many ways to be well.

We get a lot of messages, often conflicting, about what we should do to be healthier and happier. Many of these messages have subtle, and not so subtle, messages of shame and guilt imbedded in them.

We can feel like wellness is something we are morally obligated to pursue to be worthy of existing. The truth is, we do not owe anyone wellness, and we certainly do not owe anyone conforming to their definition of wellness.

To create our own definition of wellness, we want to answer the following questions:

1. What are my wellness values? Do I know why I want to practice wellness and what I want “wellness” to look like for me?
2. What is my intention? Do I know what I hope to get out of practicing a specific wellness behavior?
3. What are my circumstances? Does this wellness practice realistically work with my current situation, schedule, temperament, and obligations?
4. What is my history with this aspect of my life?

Case Example: Kelli

Kelli knows that she values self-care and self-worth. She also wants to be physically stronger than she is right now and she is exploring how to pursue this in a way that is healthy for her.

She has this goal because she wants to be able to play with her children and lift them up more comfortably. When asked if there were any more reasons she wants to be strong, she said, a little surprised, “well, I’m afraid my partner is not attracted to me and a part of me is worried they will look elsewhere.”

Kelli also has a history of over-exercising when she was younger. She used to use aerobic machines for hours at the gym. Today, having two small children, she cannot spend “hours” at the gym, but she feels she can use hand-weights at home.  When Kelli used to workout, she felt that the more she exercised, the more people would like her, and her mom, especially, would approve.

At face value, Kelli’s goal of “increased strength” is neutral/positive. When we look at the bigger picture, we can see that there are aspects of this practice that may not be aligned with her higher goal of being true to herself and increasing her self-esteem. Her strength goal is tied up with a belief that she has to earn her worth in the eyes of others. Because this factor is in play in her partnership, she is at risk for overexercise, even if it is a different type of exercise and her time is more limited.

While Kelli’s circumstances make ‘hand-weights at home’ a healthy practice, there is some risk in her intention and history with this practice. By working with her therapist, or even journaling about her fears about her relationship, she can increase the degree to which this wellness practice aligns with her value around self-care and self-worth.

When we explore our wellness goals through this lens, we can make sure that our wellness practices are truly aligned with our values and truly serving us, rather than our wellness practice serving our fears.

Wellness Tip: 

Get out your journal and write on the question,

“How do I define Wellness?”

Notice any “outside” influences. Are you seeking wellness to gain approval, a sense of worthiness to others, or to avoid rejection and abandonment? Have you attached a moral reasoning to your definition of Wellness? If you defined it in a way that was just about you and for you, how does your definition change?

There are many reasons women seek dietitian services.

Increasingly, dietitians are embracing an “anti-diet approach.” These dietitians are moving away from a focus on weight loss and  thinness as an ideal, or even healthy, goal.

If this surprises you, you can thank Diet Culture.

What is Diet Culture?

Anti-diet dietitian and author, Christy Harrison, explains:

“[Diet culture] is Western society’s toxic system of beliefs that: Worships thinness and equates it to health and moral virtue, Promotes weight loss as a means of attaining higher status, demonizes certain foods while elevating others, and oppresses people who don’t match up with its supposed picture of “health.” 

Diet culture can show up in many ways:

• following food rules
• not eating gluten (without having celiac disease)
• not eating after a certain time of day
• completely cutting out sugar
• making fat people pay for two seats on an airplane
• having to track down special clothing stores in order to find your size
• labeling foods “guilt-free” or “sinful.”

Our culture’s deeply held belief that thinness and dieting are “healthy” is not based in science, but instead by the profound influence of diet culture in every aspect of our lives, even, and especially, our doctors’ offices. Diet culture results in so many of us disconnecting from our natural biological processes and even shames us for having them!

What is an anti-diet dietitian?

Anti-diet dietitians take an approach that recognizes that healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Healthy nutrition means different things for different people and a dietitian can be instrumental in helping a person on their healing and wellness journey. An anti-diet dietitian is a dietitian, educated and trained, licensed and registered, but without a foundational belief that the primary goal of nutrition counseling is “successful dieting.”

The primary goal is to help clients:

• reconnect with their awareness of their body’s biological signals for food
• move past fear of food and various eating behaviors
• cultivate nourishing, healthy behaviors around eating, movement, and well-being
• without a primary focus on weight

For many people, after years or decades immersed in the beliefs of diet culture, this change can be surprisingly challenging. Anti-diet dietitians are here to help!

To learn more, or to find an anti-diet dietitian for yourself, check out the providers here.

Many of us where raised with guilt and shame as tactics for getting us to give adults the behavior they wanted from us.

No wonder I see so many people who speak so harshly to themselves in an effort to motivate themselves to change!

This is the thing: Shame and guilt don’t work.

Shame and guilt cause us to feel unsafe and when we feel unsafe we go into defensive states, like fight, flight, or freeze. In fight/flight/freeze, we “batten down the hatches” and try to protect ourselves. Hardly a state for expansive growth, learning, and healing.

We don’t have to talk to ourselves using the same ineffective and hurtful strategies of our childhoods. We can be to ourselves the parents we needed, right now, today.

Here are some effective ways to kindly motivate yourself:

1. Decide to see yourself with compassion and patience.
2. Validate the “Ungh, I don’t wanna” feeling.
3. Show yourself an image of how you will feel after you do the thing.
4. Speak kindly to yourself inside.

Here are some examples:

“Oh, I know you want to keep scrolling. Of course you do. We worked hard all day and these videos are funny. And, you deserve to get good sleep and take a break from the phone. Let’s put on a sleep meditation instead.”

“Oop! We just blew off taking our medication/supplements this morning. Come on, let’s go back and get that done. We will feel better knowing we did that.”

“Of course you don’t feel like getting up to brush our teeth. We are tired. And, remember that we committed to taking care of our teeth. It will build our self-trust if we do this. Come on, you can do it.”

It may feel uncomfortable or even really silly at first, but there is a part of all of us that just wants kindness and compassion rather than the emotional abuse that our inner critic likes to dole out.

In time, it will feel natural, you will trust yourself more, and you might even find that you are feeling more patient and compassionate with others.

Wellness Tip:

Don’t try to argue with your inner critic, or try to get her to change her tune.

She won’t.

It’s not her job.

She’s just trying to protect you in the way that she knows how.

Instead, let her know, “hey, I’ve heard what you have to say. Thank you for trying to help. Just for a moment, I’d like to hear from this other voice.”

Then, see if you get a little reprieve from the harsh criticism.